Touch
by carryonmycastiel
Summary: Castiel is back, but has no recollection of who  or what  he is. These are his thoughts and experiences as he struggles to piece his life back together and regain a sense of self, with the Winchesters, namely Dean, by his side.  M for later chapters
1. Prologue

**Title: **Touch  
><strong>Pairing: <strong>Dean/Castiel  
><strong>Rating: <strong>NC-17 (for later chapters)  
><strong>Summary: <strong>Castiel is back, but has no recollection of who (or what) he is. These are his thoughts and experiences as he struggles to piece his life back together and regain a sense of self.

**Prologue.**

Wash up on shore- blur of colors. Green, white, blue, bright, pain. Sand in mouth. Gritty, overwhelming, everywhere. Spit it out, too much. Can't get rid of it. Groan, prop up on elbows. Squint against blinding light, watch greens and whites and blues take shape into trees and sand, grass and sky.

_I know this place...I don't know where I am._

Water, wet. Breeze, cold.

_I know this place… I don't know who I am._

Stinging in back of head- feeling, reaction. Reach hand up, bring down covered in red. Awareness. Ow.

_I am not who I was. This is not who I am._

Sink back into sand, warm, soft. Screeching from left, turn. Bird, tiny, hopping. White. Dove. Sees man, tilts head, takes off. Disappears into brightness.

Sun. Sky, blue, perfect. Forever.

_I know this place._

Move leg, no response. Weak. Try again. Lift, move, fight against shifting sand. Kneeling, panting, upright. Tree sways, grass bends, soft winds push against twisted body.

Restless shift, startled intake of breath.

_I am alone._

Stand up, knees give out. Fall.

Get back up. Coughing, wheezing, scared. Trembling.

Run.

Tripping, scrambling, whimpering.

_I am alone._

Stop.

_I am not who I was._

_I am alone._

_This is not who I am._

_It is quiet._

Scream.

Take off, run, run, run. Feet hit path, follow. Follow, follow, continue. Years, days, minutes. Path cuts through park. Park holds people. Heads turn, eyes follow.

Keep running.

New lake next to path. Railed path. Water.

Familiarity. Home.

Death. End.

_I don't know this place._

Stop.

Scream.

Sprint.

Sirens, horns, shining cars release swarming men. Uniforms. Lights flare, people gape. Men chase, yell, brandish weapons.

Keep running.

Tackled to ground. Arm forced behind back. Face slammed into path. Path pushes back. Blood mixes with sand, mouth opens. Spits. Gasps. Screams.

Metal clicks around flailing wrists.

Scream.

Body pinned to ground.

Scream.

Men lift body up.

Scream.

Men toss body into backseat of car.

Scream.

Men speak, prod, shout, hiss.

Scream.

_I am not who I was._

Brought into too-white building. Flailing. Kicking. Screaming.

_I am not who I was._

Injection, weariness, calm. Can't scream.

Murmuring.

_This is not who I am._

Dark. Quiet. Sinking.

Sleep.


	2. One

**A/N: **Hey guys- just a quick note! My original plan for this story was for it to be told in a sort of stream-of-consciousness point of view, from Castiel's perspective of course. I'd planned for it to be this way until later on in the story, when certain events happen that... well, I'm not going to spoil it for you. It's going to be choppy and unclear like this for a little while yet, so just hang in there if you decide to keep reading! (However, thank you so much to those of you on here and on my LJ/Tumblr who have suggested a different approach to the story! If I get enough requests to do it in a different POV, I might just write a second draft and see where that goes. A big thank you to Krae for reviewing the last chapter so quickly~!)

**One.**

Wake up.

Moved from white building, white room. Out of white jacket now. Orange shirt. Put in cold cell. One buzzing light. Rectangular.

Metal around wrists bound to chair. Table stretches for miles.

Light buzzes. Dull, white, toneless. Metal cold. Chair hard.

Look around. Alone. Too quiet.

Heart beats. _Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum._ Light buzzes. _Ba-dum._ Toneless. _Ba-dum._ Overwhelming_. Ba-dum._ Relentless. _Ba-dum._

Scream.

Uniforms enter. Hardened faces, pitiless. Merciless. Say they know.

_There's nothing to know._

Beaten. Poked, prodded, questioned. Shouted at. Accused.

Won't stop. Plead to stop.

_That is not who I was. I don't know who I am._

Won't stop. Please stop. Won't.

Scream.

More shouting. Questions, questions, accusations, stop stop stop.

_I don't know this place._

Men leave. White shirts enter. Voiceless.

Unchain wrists. Push onto table, force arms behind back. Click metal around wrists again.

Force up, walk. Walk, walking, out in the sun. Look up. Blinding light, no buzzing. Blue sky, white clouds. Stretching, perfect, forever. Sun. Wind. Infinite.

_I know this place._

Stop at car. Forced into seat. Called names. Sneered at. Faces turn cruel. Knowing. _There's nothing to know._ Won't stop.

Scream.

Taken back to white building, white room, white jacket. Familiar. Uncomfortable. Too clean.

Silence.

Scream.

Doctor enters. Pleads for quiet. Can't stop screaming. Yell. Kick.

Can't control it. Want out. Need to know.

_I don't know who I am_.

Scream louder. Help.

Injection, buzzing, hazy, quiet. No more screaming.

Sleep.


	3. Two

**Two.**

Wake up.

Feel sick. Dizzy. Ringing ears.

Another bad day.

Return to cold room. Gray walls close in. Crushing. Suffocating.

Mouth opens. Gasp. Breathe air. Beg for escape. No reprieve.

Gripped by shoulder, forced into same chair. Metal clicks around wrists around chair. Cold, hard, biting. Tight. Shiver.

More questions. Same words. Same actions. Same lies. Won't stop.

_I am not who I was._

One name, over and over. James Novak.

_That is not who I am. I don't know who I am._

One word, over and over. Murder.

_I don't know this place._

Murderer.

_That is not who I am._

Later. Round two.

Screams, shouts, STOP, won't stop, repeating repeated relentless.

Questions. _There's nothing to know._

Words make no sense.

Leave, go, stop, please, no. _There's nothing to know._

Uniforms leave. White shirts enter.

Gripped by shoulder, forced up. Metal around wrists behind back. Cold. Biting. Tight. Won't stop.

Light buzzes, heart beats. _Ba-dum._ Buzz. _Ba-dum._ Buzz. _Ba-dum ba-_buzz_ ba-dum._

Brought to car. Forced into seat. Cold glares, cutting words, evil. Won't stop.

_There's nothing to know. Nothing to see here. _

Look away, don't pay attention.

Dragged to white building white room, no white jacket. Comfortable. Content.

See nothing but white walls, white bed, white door. Alone. Quiet.

Shoulder throbs. Look, wince. Bruised. Handprint left. Look away. Tilt head. Look back.

Familiar.

Scream.

Enter nurse. Injection, stop screaming, familiar, quiet. Head stops tilting. Forget bruise.

Sleep.


	4. Three

_A/N: These are really choppy, I know. It'll get better, promise. We're almost to the good stuff. Just hang in there, if you've stuck around this far. A few more chapters until the ball gets rolling, okay? :)_

**Three.**

Wake up.

In white building, white room, white jacket again. Not retrieved for cold room. Look around.

Relax.

Content. Close eyes. Slump against wall.

Silence. Alone. Open eyes.

Can't be here. Shouldn't be here. Need to leave.

Go.

Stand up, trembling. White jacket pulls tighter, constricting. Shake against it. Choke against restraints, fall backward.

Collapse on floor. Writhe. Fight against invisible enemy.

Woman with bright red hair enters. Smiles.

Gap in teeth. White uniform. Too-large nose.

Fake. Coarse. Reptilian. Repulsive.

Holds out tray. Food. Tilt head. No. Not hungry.

_That is not who I was._

Scream.

Nurse leaves.

ScreamScreamStop. Silence.

No injection. Quiet.

Sleep.


	5. Four

**Four. **

Wake up.

Same feeling. Silence. Deafening.

White building, white room, white jacket.

Not numb. Feel again.

_This is not who I was._

Scream.

Stop. Too much noise. Voice hoarse. No point, no rescue.

Too much white.

Alone.

Nothing, nothing, white, end, beginning, light, stop.

Scream. No use.

Stand.

Fall.

Fear.

Cry, sob, bawl.

Stop.

Floor is cold.

Water, wet. Breeze, cold.

Familiar.

Sleep.


	6. Five

**Five.**

Wake up.

Wanting. Craving. Needing.

Feel like an animal.

White building, white room, white jacket.

Can't move. Still feel.

Woman enters, bright red hair, bright red smile.

Fake.

Still wanting. Keep quiet.

Woman sets down tray, sees wanting, animal, laughs. Leaves.

Still craving.

Tilt head at food.

_That is not who I was._

Don't scream.

Want.

Crawl to food.

Want.

_This is not who I was._

Still want.

_I don't know who I am._

Stop.

Feeling. Craving. Wanting. Animal.

Bite lip, blood pours out. Drips down, down, lands on hand.

Wet.

Familiar.

Scream.

Kick tray.

Scream, kick wall.

Scream, kick bed.

Scream, kick kick kick.

Scream.

Enter voiceless white uniforms. Step over tray.

Gripped by shoulder, forced down on bed.

Struggle.

Injection again, calm, yes, familiar, quiet.

Sleep.


	7. Six

_Yes yes, another super short chapter. But things will get better after- well, you'll see. :)_

**Six.**

Wake up.

_This is not who I am. I don't know who I am._

Silence.

_I don't know where I am._

Scream

Woman with bright red hair enters. Stays in doorway. Smiles bright red. Says guest is coming. Voice thick, sugary, nauseating.

Silence.

Do not want guest. Stop.

Scream.

No injection.

Screaming, waiting, waiting.

Wait.


	8. Seven

_As promised, things start picking up from here! Thanks for being so patient, hopefully from here on out it'll be more entertaining for you all~! C:_**  
><strong>

**Seven.**

Guest enters.

Business suit, shiny black suitcase. Sharp profile, confident stance. Faces nurse in doorway. Thanks woman with bright red hair, bright red smile. Winks a green eye, she now has bright red cheeks too.

Familiar.

Woman leaves. Door closes.

Narrow eyes, don't scream. Sit up. Wait.

Man sits at table in corner. Says nothing.

Silence, quiet, don't scream.

Green eyes like trees by the water. Familiar. Open mouth to scream.

Man says stop. Close mouth.

Tilt head.

Man smiles. Bright, white, good, don't stop. Familiar.

He says something in a low voice. Don't listen. Words are noise. Just keep smiling. Fixated on light.

Man sits back, smile gone. Frowning now. Green eyes piercing. Stop. Just smile again.

Says something, can't hear it. Words don't make sense. Says words, words, nothing matters nothing clicks nothing but that smile nothing matters smile please don't stop smile bright good white light yes smile please-

Stop. Word registers. Look at man's eyes. He smirks.

He repeats, "Cas."

Tilt head. Familiar. Head spins, blood rushes in ears. Familiar. Yes.

"Cas?" His eyebrows raise, he leans forward. Goes silent, light in eyes.

pleasedon'tstopsayitagain_please_

"You know that name. Castiel."

Lost voice, too much screaming. Can't speak. Rock back and forth. Repeat in head: _CasCasCasCasCasCasCas._

"Do you remember me?"

Silence. Familiar eyes narrow.

"Cas."

Shiver. Watch man sigh, run hand through hair. Says, "You don't."

He swears. Familiar. Shiver. He looks around room, lowers voice, "Castiel, you need to remember. We need to get you out of here. You understand me?"

Blink. Tilt head.

Cas. Out. Cas. Green eyes. Outside. Cas. Familiar. OutOutOut. Bright. Too much, too much.

Scream.

Man throws hands up. Surrender. Crestfallen. No light in eyes. Smile gone.

He clears his throat, blinks twice. Green eyes dart upward, connect. Stare. "My name is Dean."

Something clicks. Clicks, clicks, so close, it's there. He looks away.

Gone.

He tries again, "Winchester. Sam. Bobby." He shakes his head, sighs. "Heaven? Lucifer? Hell. Michael. Angels. God _damn_ it, Cas."

Wince. Blasphemy. Dean narrows eyes, almost smiles. Nods knowingly. Begins to say something else, but woman with bright red hair bright red lips bright red cheeks walks in. Tells Dean his time is up. Blushes, walks away.

Dean stands. Walks close.

Too close.

Open mouth to scream, Dean holds hands up carefully. Close mouth again, narrow eyes.

He kneels down, looks up. Fierce green eyes. "I'll be back, Cas. As soon as I can be here again, I will be. I promise."

He bites lip, furrows brow. "Just… try to remember, okay? We need you." Blinks a few times, exhales sharply, "Just snap out of it, Cas. For me."

He stands. Walks to doorway. Glances over shoulder. Closes door quietly.

Walks away.

Bright white room too dark. No smile, no light.

Come back.

Dean.


	9. Eight

**Eight.**

Wake up.

Look around. Silence. Alone.

Look down. Stare at back of hand. Three scratches. Drag fingernail down. Add one more.

Four days. No guest.

Time passes slowly.

Door handle turns. Snap head up, hope floods chest.

Woman with bright red hair bright red smile sets down tray. Gestures to food. Says words. Bright red smile. Exits.

Lower head again. Bite lip, hard. Wince.

Wait. Wait, wait, waiting. No visitors, no movement, alone. Alone with tray.

Stand up. Pace. Look at hand.

Four. Four scratches Four days.

Hands at side, keep pacing. Back, forth, side, side. Trip over tray. Spit at food.

Stomach protests. Don't listen. Not important.

Pacing, pacing, sit down on bed, wait.

Sitting. Staring at door. No screaming.

Four scratches. Four days.

Close eyes. Stay still.

Time passes. Slowly, slowly, drags by. Drifting, floating, weightless. Silence. Alone.

Peaceful. Familiar.

Door handle turns. Open eyes, snap head up.

Woman with bright red hair bright red sneer enters. Stands in doorway. Looks at tray. Picks up food. Admonishes, waves tray. Threatens.

Don't listen. Stare at woman with bright red sneer. Narrow eyes. Spit.

Woman shrinks back, exits, takes food.

Snarl. Next time bring guest.

Sink back, rest head on wall.

Clench hand. Four. Four days.

Mess of words in head. Jumbled, confusing, not clear.

One stands out. Cas. Another: Dean.

_CasCasCas. DeanDeanDean._

Familiar. Think.

Hand stings. One of four scratches leaks red. Pain.

Hand.

Splay fingers, look at palms. Familiar.

Hold up hand to face, looking.

Furrow eyebrows, narrow eyes. Hand.

Use.

Bite lip, hard, hard, pain. Red drips out. Catch in palm of right hand. Not enough.

Scratch back of right hand, dig, dig, blood flows out. Stings. Don't scream. Bite lip.

Left palm covers the back of right hand, squeezes down. Covers in red.

Look at palm. Look at floor.

Press red palm to white floor.

Pull back.

Handprint.

Familiar.

Blood still rushes, pours out of right hand onto floor. Press left palm on right hand again. Press back onto floor. More handprints.

Handprints on bed. Handprints on table. Handprints on walls. Handprints on jacket.

Red on white.

Handprints.

Familiar.

Scream.

Woman with bright red hair bright red sneer enters.

Woman screams.

Cover hands, shove under armpits. Stinging, stinging, won't stop.

Scream again.

Voiceless white uniforms enter, white shoes smear red handprints.

Struggle against strong hands, forced onto bed. Scream. Hands stinging, ears ringing, only see familiar handprints, screaming, _this is not who I was._

Injection.

Quiet, stinging, sleep.


	10. Nine

_Quick note- Thank you to everyone who has reviewed/ given me feedback via messages and the like! I really appreciate it, and I'm glad to see that some of you seem to enjoy it. I hardly ever get onto this site to answer/ reply to questions, so if you have any or just feel like talking about anything in particular, feel free to message me on my blog! Link is in my profile. Thanks guys- happy reading! :)_**  
><strong>

**Nine.**

Wake up.

Groggy. Can't move. Try to scream. Mouth dry.

Lift head. Hands wrapped. Arms strapped to bed.

Handprints gone.

Fear settles in stomach. Thrash around on bed, scared, heart pounding, blood rushing in ears.

Stop. Lay back down. Stare at ceiling.

Wait.

Time creeps by. Slow, slow, too slowly. Walls close in. So quiet, so lonely.

Thrash about again. Dizzy. Stomach screams. Head pounds. Hands throb. Head lolls to side.

Pass out.

Door handle clicks. Wake up.

Voiceless white uniforms enter. Unstrap arms. Redo bandages. Tighten white jacket. Can move body, can't move arms.

Uniforms leave. Alone.

Sit up. Up up, waiting. Hand stinging. Want to make more handprints. Head throbs, eyes burn. Need to stay awake.

Rock back and forth. Stare at door.

Later. Bright red hair pokes through door, bright red smile follows. Says guest is coming. Behave.

Instant alert. Perk up. Sit, wait, wait. Heart pounding. Ears ringing. _ComeComeCome._ Hear low voice down hall. Chuckling, placating. Woman giggles, bright red laugh. Man says words, means nothing. Charms woman, woman trusts.

Door handle clicks. Clench jaw.

Enter Dean.

Woman speaks with Dean. Bats eyelashes. Keeps talking. Dean listens, nods. Smiles. Room fills with light.

_DeanDeanDeanDeanDean._

Sit. Wait. Don't scream.

Still talking. Won't stop. Woman won't stop. Too much noise.

Seethe. Wait. Wait. Wait.

Woman leaves. Let out breath, stop biting lip. Watch Dean cross to table, sit down.

Stare at Dean. Heart pounding, head swimming. Familiar.

Dean stares back. Says, "Hey, Cas."

Don't say anything. Bite lip.

"You're not looking so great, man." Pause. Awkward. "They, uh, they told me about your little 'art project,' Cas." Bites lip. "Any particular reason you all of a sudden took to extreme finger painting?"

Sit. Stare. Can't answer. Tilt head.

"You don't know, huh?"

Silence. A sigh. Green eyes flicker upward, staring. Imploring.

"I honestly don't know what to say to get you to remember. All I know is that we need you back. We need you to snap out of it." Shakes head, solemn. "There's only so much I can do to help you right now."

Look at Dean. Look, look, bite lip. Feel guilt. Rock backward, forward, back again.

Dean blinks. Frowns. Says, "They said you haven't been eating."

Silence. Look down, away.

"Castiel."

Drag eyes back to green. Gulp.

"You look sick. You need to take care of yourself, you understand me?" Stern. Commanding. Shiver. "I can't help you if you don't help yourself, Cas."

Blink. Chew bottom lip. Tilt head.

Dean runs hand through hair, looks down at table. "I know you can do it. You've overcome more than this before, Cas." Stares at hands. "You're capable of anything, you've always been more than capable."

Heart pounds, head spins. Want to know. Need to know. Open mouth, try to speak. Choke on words. Cough, sputter, rasp.

Dean snaps head up, furrows brow. Concerned.

Try again. Open mouth, "D-" Swallow. Cough. Croak, "D-Dean."

Silence. Tension. Electric air, swimming head, aching throat. Anticipation.

Dean lowers voice, leans forward, "Cas…?"

Frown, tilt head. Say again, "D… Dean." Blink. Familiar. Good. "Dean."

Triumphant.

Look at Dean.

Dean stares. Stares, no blinking, unwavering, intense. Familiar.

Look away. Too much, too much. Rock back, forth, back, forth.

Close mouth, enough. Too much.

Dean chuckles. Snap gaze back, meet green. Trees by water. Gleaming. Blinks, "Well, I guess that's a start."

He smiles. Familiar.

Mimic movement. Turn lips upward. Feels foreign, strange. Nice.

Dean grins wider, bright shining light. Familiar. Head spins.

"Anything else you'd like to share, Cas?" Familiar, friendly.

Purse lips. No words. Enough.

Dean hesitates, leans forward. "I know this might not mean much to you- but we've got a plan. Sam and I know a way to get you out of here."

Listen. Tilt head. Narrow eyes.

"You've just gotta hang in there until then, alright?"

He stands. Time to go.

Heart drops, head pounds.

_Don't go._

Dean adjusts suit jacket, clears throat.

_Don't go._

Dean crosses to door.

_Don't go._

Dean reaches for handle.

Head spins, hands sting, heart throbs, stomach protests. Open mouth to scream.

Stop.

Say, "Dean."

Dean freezes. Turns slowly, too slowly.

Flash of memory. Flap of wings. Sear of fire. Pain. Pain pain pain, screaming. Flying. Diving. Fighting.

Killing.

_STOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOP._

Dean hurries over, kneels before bed. Narrows eyes. "Castiel?"

Flashing stops. Memories gone. Pain lingers.

Scream.

Dean raises voice, "Cas!" Stands up. Worried. Rocks on heel. "Castiel!"

Stop screaming.

Slump against wall.

Dean stands, looks. Waits. Waits, waits, time passes. Slowly. He asks, "Are you going to be okay if I leave, Cas?"

_Don't go._

Don't answer. Dean nods, once, turns to go. Reaches door, grasps handle.

Open mouth. Cough. Swallow. Say, "Hell."

Dean pauses, turns back, "What?"

Repeat, "Hell." Connect eyes with unwavering green, "In Hell."

Dean's eyes flash. Pained, guilty, conflicted. "I know, Cas." Blinks. "I know. I'm sorry."

He shuffles feet, looks back, "We're getting you out of here, Castiel. I promise, I'm gonna get you out of here as soon as possible. Hang on 'till then."

Exit Dean.

_Come back._


	11. Ten

_(Hey guys! I'm incredibly grateful for the feedback I've been receiving on here, LJ, and Tumblr, and I'd like to say thank you again! You guys are awesome. Happy reading!)_**  
><strong>

**Ten.**

Can't sleep.

Been hours. No company. No sound. No Dean.

_Come back._

Rock back, forth, back, forth.

Cough. Wince. Swallow.

Say, "Dean."

Feel empty, alone, cold. No light, no light. Call for Dean. Again and again.

Still alone. Always alone.

Want to remember. Try, try, trying.

Thinking. Grasping. Try to remember. It's there, there, far away, keep reaching.

Dean. Familiar. Cas. Familiar. Hell. Familiar.

Reaching, reaching, touching, grasping—

Grab onto memory, tight. Don't let go.

Remember.

Lingering feelings. Traces of memory. Screams, cries, growls. Death.

Remember being called. Called by brother. Ordered to fight. Ordered to find.

Find the Chosen One.

"_Thus it is commanded, then it shall be done."_

Bodies. Warriors. Hundreds. All ordered. All go. Remember diving down below earth, below reality, flying, soaring, tearing, ripping, screaming. Searching.

Find the Chosen One.

Search for forty years. Forty years, fighting. Forty years, screaming. Forty years, nothing.

Surrounded by screams. Screams and darkness. Terror, tearing, crunching, screaming, searching. Too dark. Too much. Back away from Hell.

Orders are orders.

Made to fight. Disposable. Worthless.

Dive back in to battle, in to search, in to Hell. Screaming. Crying. Fighting.

Sounds of winds, sounds of terror, sounds of death, destruction, demise. Sounds of ripped limbs.

Sounds of… wings. Rustling. Feathers. Charred feathers. Black wings. Black as night.

All is dark in Hell. Brightness made dim. Cold.

Then… light.

Light. Pinprick in darkness. First light in forty years.

Freeze.

Stop fighting.

Stop screaming.

Soar to light.

Light, light, light. Blinding, shining, forever, eternal. Warm. Radiating. Soothing.

"_The Chosen One shines brighter than the gates of Heaven itself."_

End of search.

Light is surrounded by darkness. Light surrounded by torment. Light surrounded by Hell, unfamiliar, unforgiving, twisted soul. Ruined.

Stop, tilt head. Feel. Wonder.

"_Thus it is commanded, then it shall be done."_

Grab tortured soul tight.

Raise Chosen One from perdition.

White room, white walls, white jacket.

Alone.

Stare at ceiling. Rectangular white light. Buzzing. Relentless.

Still hear screams. Still feel terror. Still remember bright soul twisted by Hell.

Familiar. So, so familiar.

Memory of bright soul searing in mind. Bright soul means everything. Gripped tight, shone brighter than Heaven's gates. Beautiful. Twisted. Imperfect. Wonderful.

Too much.

Scream.

Head pounding, heart throbbing, mind racing, body trembling. Screaming. Thrashing. Drowning in memory.

Screaming words in a foreign tongue. So familiar, so far away.

Look down at bandaged hands.

Scream.

Think of soul. So familiar. So close in memory. Trying to remember—

Keep screaming. Too much, too much, memories too much, _nonononoNO—_

Voiceless white uniforms enter.

Head spins. Heart pounds. Scream louder.

Voiceless white uniforms grab thrashing body, pin down. Kick at them. Fight them. Scream at them.

Familiar. Fighting familiar.

Memories too much. Beg, cry, scream, repeat. and over and over and over.

Something clicks.

DeanDeanDeanDeanDean.

"Dean."

…_Dean._

Injection, stop screaming. Think _DeanDeanDeanDeanDean_.

Black out.

Forget.


	12. Eleven

_(Sorry it's been a while- real life caught up with me! Hopefully the next update'll be up a bit quicker. Hope you like it, thanks again for the beautiful responses~)_**  
><strong>

**Eleven.**

Wake up.

Head buzzing, mind blank. Stare at ceiling. Cringe against throbbing hands, look down. Still bandaged. Roll eyes back up to ceiling. Lay still. Think.

Remember thrashing. Remember screaming. Remember… nothing.

_Who am I?_

Remember thinking about Dean. Why Dean? Try to remember. Try, try, concentrate, try. Focus. Feel nagging, feel memory, there in back of mind. Reach for it. Can't touch it. Try again. No luck.

Pull back bandaged hand, punch wall. Cringe, yell, shut eyes tight.

Fume. No memory, no control, no patience.

Was so close. Had memory before voiceless white uniforms, remembered, then injection. Memory gone. Again.

Punch wall again. Harder. Yell louder. Need to know. Need to remember. Almost had it.

Punch wall third time. Yell. Punch. Yell. Punch. Yell. Punch-

"Cas."

Freeze. Open eyes, turn head. Blink.

Dean stares, intent. Sitting on chair, hands folded on table.

Feel guilt. Shame. Turn head back, stare at ceiling. Can't take judgment. Feel gaze on side of head. Try to ignore.

"You're not doing yourself any favors." Dean's voice fills room. Reverberates.

Cringe against pain in hands. Nod. Throat hoarse from screaming. Whisper, "Can't remember."

Look up at Dean. Scared. Want Dean to help.

Dean looks right back, pauses. Gaze unwavering, green, trees by water. "You will."

Don't believe him. Sit up. Look away. Rock back, forth. Stare at floor.

Hear footsteps, Dean walks closer. Closer, closer, almost there, he hesitates.

Sits on edge of bed. Opposite end. Too close. Too close, too close, not close enough. Swallow. Turn to look at Dean, shift weight to not fall over. Stay still, blue locked with green.

"I promise you, you will remember, Castiel."

Tilt head. Believe him. Nod once.

Don't look away.

Green never leaves blue.

Aware of everything. Buzzing white light in ceiling, white jacket too tight, heart pounding, hands throbbing. Mind blank. Nothing but green in sight.

Lean forward, look closer.

Want to drown in green, trees by water, water familiar. Head spins, heart pounds, body aches.

Still leaning. Close to Dean now. Inches away. Too close. Keep leaning.

Feel memory. Grip tight, remembering.

Remember.

Remember staring, remember longing. Remember wanting to hold. To touch. To save. To protect. Remembering wanting to be around Dean. Everything feels right around Dean. Dean gave purpose, Dean gave light. Remember wanting Dean, everything about Dean, always wanting nothing but Dean.

Leaning, not looking at eyes. Looking at lips, stubble, jaw, neck, hear pulse, see him swallow. Remember wanting to trace shape of jaw, kiss pulse on neck, tangle hands in hair. Want to try, want to feel, keep leaning forward, want to-

"Castiel."

Freeze. Stop leaning. Two inches from Dean. Too close. Want to lean forward, close gap. Not close enough.

Dean puts out hand, places on chest. Pushes away. Stands up quickly, coughs. Murmurs mostly to himself, "I-I'm sorry," green darts from floor to blue to floor to blue to the wall. Face flushed.

Silence. Watch green eyes harden.

Tone changes. Low. Dangerous. Determined. "That's it."

Dean's eyes slide from wall to meet with blue, "I don't care about progress anymore- I'm getting you out of here."

Keep staring at Dean. Heart still pounding. Head still spinning. Tilt head, narrow eyes. Rock back, forth, back, forth. Bite lip. Look at bandaged hands. Want to reach out to Dean. Hold back. Shut eyes tight.

"…Cas?" Remain still. Heart pounding. Too much, too much. Hear feet shuffling. "Cas. Open your eyes."

Shake head. Bite lip. Too much, too much, can't open eyes. Won't open eyes. Won't see light.

Feel a hand on knee. "Cas."

Eyes snap open. Jump at touch. Open mouth to scream.

Green meets blue. Green trees, blue water. Familiar. Close mouth.

Look down at knee, at hand, at Dean kneeling on ground. Heart pounds. Rock back, forth, back. Narrow eyes.

Dean hesitates, pulls hand back. Cautious. Unsure.

Voice quieter, more intense, more demanding, " You listen to me. Next time you see me, we're running. I'm getting you the Hell out of this place. For now you just need to sit tight, and take care of yourself. Make sure you can run."

Blink. Heart pounds. Nod once.

Dean stands up, looks down. "I'm coming back. Soon. I promise."

Rock back, forth. Frown.

Nod.

Dean rocks back on heels, bites lip, hesitates. Turns and hurries out of door. Door slams behind him.

Stare at door. Tilt head.

Wait.


End file.
